Things No One will Tell Fat Girls

Ok, Here goes....

I'm FAT.
F
A
T

*deep sigh of relief*

I've never been able to say that - really SAY it.

I began following the body love movement much later than I should've. I might have saved myself a bit of grief had I just realized that there are other women out there [other PEOPLE - this is not exclusive to women] who found themselves thinking and saying the same things I have my entire life.

It actually started with Tess Holiday.
I saw a photo of her on a random trending site and had to take a second look.
Oddly, I found myself mortified by her. By the fact that she could stand there, in all her glory, looking the way she does and give zero fucks.
Deep down, I was more envious than I could ever explain.
I pride myself on being strong, and loud and open to just about everything - but the reality, I'm still avoiding photos - deleting those that are from the "wrong" angle [which is most] and saying "Do I REALLY look like that?!??!1" When I do see photos.

A few months ago I was with my mother shopping during a visit at Forever 21.
We edged into the Plus Size section and found that feeling of being embarrassed that I was shopping in that area. Why? I don't know - I wear those sizes!!!!
My mother picked up a bathing suit [a two piece] and says: "Does a girl who wears this size really think she should be wearing this anywhere?!?!?" and laughed.
The hurtful thing?
I just bought that same swimsuit - in that size & wore it on my vacation to Mexico.

But don't hate on my mother.
She struggles with self body hate.
She is in constant recovery from a lifelong battle with anorexia.
A fight that she almost lost when I was a child and was a whooping 75lbs at 5'6

But I don't want to talk about that.
Not right now.

I want to talk about how I just finally picked up Jes Baker's book:  "Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls
I've only a couple of chapters in and I find myself saying "YES! GOD YES!" so many times.
It's as though she's in my head - understanding every thought - every time I slouched and tried to disappear in a crowd. Every time I passed up opportunities to do things I by all rights should've done.
Men I should've dated. Ug. So much wasted time!

But no more.

If you are a girl who has ever had issues with self love; hated her body for being her body and just wants to get off the diet culture and fall back in love with life - READ THIS BOOK.

I'm ready for change.

Septum Piercings- the "new" trend?

I first got my septum pierced in 2003.
I got one done and said "what the hay!" and did it a second time.
Since that time I have sported a double septum.

Over the past 12 years [did I really just say 12 years?], I've had many extra holes and allowed many to heal over. I've had everything your little mind can imagine - and mostly due to a few reasons; mainly the fact that I spent 8 years of my life in the body modification industry as a professional body piercer.
What do you do when you've got extra time? You get an extra hole.
Or so it use to go back in the day.

But over the past 12 years I've watched trends come and go but never saw septum piercing hit the pages of magazines like I have lately. Much like finger tattoos.
It was only a short period of time before many of my employees started sporting them as well - they were cropping up everywhere [I currently am an educator in the cosmetic industry]

But my feelings were changing a bit towards the look - and not because I've always been an outsider and now being "hip" made me feel awkward, but that I really found I disliked how it looked. Not just on others, but was starting to dislike them on myself.

I have spent years fighting the regulations set by bigotry in many different professions that see any sort of alternative look [including hair colour, tattoos and visible piercings] as unprofessional - hence leading them to believe that you are uneducated [clearly].
Eventually you get tired of swimming against the current.

In my current role I am always attempting to better myself and move further up that corporate ladder [whoever thought I'd be saying that?!] and in order to do that I have to acknowledge that saying goodbye to some pieces of myself might be necessary.
In the same light, does a few extra holes make me WHO I am? Do I require them to define myself as a creative and bold person?
It shouldn't be this big of a decision. I shouldn't be "scared" to remove them - but the reality is that I am.

I'm currently 32 years old and will be hitting the big 33 this fall - is it time?
Thus far I've been extremely blessed with my experiences and how much my work has given back to all the love I've given. The opportunities have been unparalleled to anything else I've ever done.
Though, during a sit-down discussion about my goals and my ambitions to where I plan to grow in the company, I realized that hard work isn't always what creates the winner. it's how you play the game and apparently I don't play it very well.

I'm not catty.
I'm not about to step on someone who doesn't deserve it to better my position.
I believe in celebrating others successes, not bringing the down.
I believe in sharing my ideas and standing behind them.

All these things apparently equaled that the people directly above me are going to make sure I never move up. Did it hurt? Of course. But I'm not the person to retaliate with being a bitch. I'll continue to work hard until someone above them sees it. Which they will.

But we're getting off track aren;'t we?

Is it time?
Do I remove them?
Do I lower my freak flag just a little on the pole I have it so highly flying from?

Suggestions from others facing some of these same thoughts would be helpful <3